Why 16 year old girls should not drive

So, I'm at the Food Lion, Li'l Keller is strapped in the back seat. I start backing out of my parking space. I feel a bump. Let me restate that. I feel a bump. No, that's not quite it either. I feel a _ . That's about it. I get out, there is an Acura Integra parked behind the Time Machine, and it looks like we both tried to back out at once. I think we were each moving at 1 mph. I look at my car. No damage. The hit might have knocked off some dirt. I look at the other car. 6-inch black mark, mostly along a bumper sticker. No big deal. The driver rolls down the window and looks out; it's this 16 year old girl. She's already on the cell phone. Hasn't even looked at her car yet, hasn't even spoken to me yet. After waiting through five minutes of sobbing, she gets out of the car. I have already had time to go back to my car, get the paper work and come back. She gets out, looks at the mark (and I use "mark" very lightly here, emphasis on the light) and the tears start again. She calls her mom again. More crying, through the sniffles I hear "gash" and "not my fault" and "police". My interest is piqued. Had I not had a dentist appointment in 30 minutes, I would have GLADLY waited for the police. The look on their faces would have been priceless. They would have laughed her out of the lot. Really. But I have places to go. I have things to do. And I am getting annoyed.

Discretion being the better part of valor, I avoid showing my annoyance, hoping to move the process along. I have my insurance card in my hand. She has a cell-phone and nothing else. Not sure what a cell phone is going to do to move the process along. Then she calls what I assume was her job, telling them she was going to be late, like an hour or so. An hour? For a 6 inch scuff mark on a bumper?

Five more minutes go by. Mom calls again. I hear " I don't know". She looks up at me and says "How old are you." I say "Thirty-one". She says, to the phone "Thirty-one". The phone is pushed in my face "My mom wants to talk to you."

"Hello?" I say
"Hello." Comes the response
"So, we had a little bump here" I say
"How bad is it?"
"Not bad at all" I say "No damage on my car. Looks like she knocked some dirt off my bumper, that's it. There's a black mark on her car. That's all I see."
"No damage on your car?" She asks
"None. There's a black scuff mark on her car though" I say.
"Does the black mark come off when you rub it?" she asks?
I rub at her bumper "Nope. It's a scratch" I say.
"How bad" she says again.
"6 inches, most of it is on a bumper sticker. Nothing else that I can see."
"Is it cracked?"
"Nope"
"Any other damage?"
"Nope"
"How did this happen?"
"We were parked behind one another, both backed out at the same time. We ended up in the same place at the same time. That's all"
"What do you want to do about this?"
"I have my insurance card right here. If there is any damage, we can let insurance handle it. But it doesn't look like there is anything to fix here. It's a black mark."
"Give the phone back to my daughter"
"Buh-bye"
"Bye"

The girl takes the phone, gets back in the car. More crying. After 5 more minutes, Li'l Keller is crying too. I want to cry. It sucks. I still have my paperwork in my hand. She has produced nothing yet. Finally, I see her rumaging around in the car. We have insurance papers! Yeah! I get a pen and paper; she has a pen and paper. We start to exchange info. She goes back in the car. More phone calls. More crying. After five MORE minutes, she comes back out with the info. We return everything back to each other. "Are we done" I say? "Um..." she says. Phone call to mom again. Back in the car. I wait some more. "Yeah..." she finally says "I guess we are done".

Parents, teach your children how to deal with adverse and stressful situations. Yes, when cars bump it can be stressful. But what should have been a five-minute transaction where we exchanged information... (actually what should have been a one-minute transaction where we looked at each others, shrugged, said "eh..." and went on our way) lasted over 40 minutes and made me miss my dental appointment. If you can't take any independant action on your own without calling your mother, you shouldn't be driving. Don't let this happen to your children...

Sick again

How does one get two separate colds in 2 weeks? I was sick. I get healthy again. I got sick again. This is just silly. This cold is worse than the last, because it is running me down. I feel like sleeping all day. It sucks.

Keller's List 2: Best Teen Angst songs

Los Angeles, X: LA punk band X writes song about how much their hometown sucks. Actually, it could be about how much EVERYONE'S hometown sucks.

Another Saturday Night, Sam Cooke: Pocket full of cash, and can't get laid. Story of my teenage years, really.

Longview, Green Day: See above. Got cash, can't get laid? Why not stay home, smoke some pot, and jerk off. That's pretty much this song in a nutshell.

Add it Up, Violent Femmes: Why can't I get just one kiss/screw/fuck? Is it just me, or is the source of teen angst the inability to get someone to touch your wiener? I mean really, if people got laid more, music would start to suck, wouldn't it?

Say it Ain't So, Weezer: Another reason for teen angst: your parents suck. (for the record, my parents are awesome. But this song still rules).

Adam Carolla sucks like a Hoover on JRIB

So I'm not a regular viewer of Jim Rome Is Burning. I've never been a huge Jim Rome fan, but I'll put it on waiting for Around the Horn to come on. So imagine my delight when I see that Jim is out of town and Adam Carolla, who I think may be one of the funniest men ever, is hosting. I spent MANY a night in my college days, up with insomnia and listening to Adam and Dr. Drew on Loveline. The Man Show used to be the best half-hour on TV.

Hagiography over. Seeing Adam Carolla on JRIB today was painful. First of all, they had him in a suit. He looked like every seven-year old in a suit at church on Easter. You know he hasn't worn one in the past year, you knew he just wanted to get out of it. Secondly, he knows nothing about sports. You could tell that he was just asking questions off of the teleprompter. And while Adam is one of the funniest extemporaneous speakers out there, he is among the worst at reading from a script. He was simply awful. He actually squinted right at the teleprompter. He had NO idea what he was talking about or what he was saying. Couldn't the producers have prepared him more? Did they just grab him from the street and throw him in there? It looked like it. I want to see more of Adam on TV, but just not like this. It was like seeing your dad naked for the first time... You lose respect for him, everyone is embarrassed, and its a moment you both want to forget, but you know you never will....

Got the crud, home alone

So, here's the deal. My lovely wife, Ellie Wheater, is in Clearwater, Florida at some professional conference all week, leaving me and Li'l Keller home alone. This would only be a minor inconvenience, except that both he and I have this terrible head cold. He's getting better, but I am getting worse. On top of that, I have to work tonight making funnel cakes (little job I do for a friend) at the local concert venue. It's always about 120 degrees in there. (Just so you know, I have a sitter coming over for Li'l Keller). This sucks. And since I am sure no one is reading this, I expect no sympathy comments. Oh well. I think I am going to go lie down for a while. This much typing is making me lightheaded...

Keller's list 1: Best restaurants you never heard of

Blue Dolphin Restaurant, Apalachin, NY. Off exit 66, Southern Tier Expressway in Tioga County. Greek food in the middle of nowhere. Mmmm, tasty!
Aubrey's and Peedee's, Wendell, NC. Located on Main Street. The greasiest of spoons, they have the BEST burgers in the area. You will wait in line at lunch, and you will not mind.
Klondike Kate's, Newark, DE. Located on E. Main Street. A double feature. Get there before 8 for some of the best food you will ever have. Steaks, seafood, sandwiches, it is ALL good. After 8, it transforms into the BEST college bar you will ever find. Keller was once a Thursday Night regular at Kate's (once Half-Price pitchers nite), and drank WAY too much Yeungling from the "big glasses" to remember...
The Zephyr, Chicago, IL. Located on Wilson Ave on Chicago's North Side. Home-made ice cream, fantastic food, this is the classic American diner. It's worth the trip if you are in the Second City.
Tortilla Flat, Merrimack, NH. Daniel Webster Highway (Old Rte. 3), in Reed's Ferry, just off the Everett Turnpike at Exit 12. Picture a Mexican Restaurant inside an irish pub, in the middle of an old New England town. Can't? You will, and you will never forget it. Great place to grab beer, a bowl of chili, or some great nacho's. It has that local bar feel to it. Kinda like Cheers with good food. Order the mussels, they are a Keller favorite!

Been to one of these, and want to tell about it? Have one that Keller has missed? Leave a comment!